I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
