If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Is that strawberry winking at me??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
