I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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