Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
