$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
