btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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