U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
