I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
why do cheetos always look like penises
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
