I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
