Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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