I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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