the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
