how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
