addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
