ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
