Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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