I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
