theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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