If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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