I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
