I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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