hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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