What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
