he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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