turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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