Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
