found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
