Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Pants are for mortals
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
