Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
