This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
