I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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