I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm too high and old for this...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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