I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
