I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
