xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
