I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Never joke about your clitoris.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
