Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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