guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
