you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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