He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
