you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
