So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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