my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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