so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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