My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
BRING THE BAGELS
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
