Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
