Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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