Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
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i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
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Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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