defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
