Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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