Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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