I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
