we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
