Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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