After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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