Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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