i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
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He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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