i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
