You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.