OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.