How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.