don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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