i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He shit in the fireplace
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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